Last week I had an emergency appointment with my Epilepsy Nurse because the medication I was using just wasn’t controlling my condition any more. Because we were discussing medication options we had to run down the list of drugs that we had already tried.
This meant that I had to be reminded of the horrible weight gain and water retention I suffered with a previous drug; he just had to use the term “a lot” and stress it, didn’t he?
Nice man, but a little lacking in tact. It was like a punch in the gut. On the other hand it also served as a reminder that I lost all that weight and that it didn’t appear through anything I’d done.
Whilst waiting in the atrium for my prescription to be made up, I always like to people watch. Everybody does it but pretends not to – it’s human nature.
I was sat there waiting for my name to come up on the screen, when in walked a painfully skinny young woman. Her arms and legs were like sticks and I could see her shoulder blades even through her dress.
Usually, seeing a girl like this would cause me to feel fat and bloated and ugly straight away – to say nothing of envious.
This time, however, all I felt was pity and concern for this young woman who – judging by her calm composure – still doesn’t realise that she’s very ill. I remember being as thin as her and believing that I looked really good too. I silently wished her well and I hope that she will realise and ask for help soon, before she begins to feel the physical pain that so many of us with eating disorders experience.
I still have my bad days (I was naughty yesterday and didn’t eat at all) but I do try. This particular not-quite meeting of two polar opposites tells me by my lack of reaction and paranoia that I am getting better.
I still have some misconceptions about my shape and size and it’s a struggle for me not to end up going in the same direction as this young woman – I can’t do that again – but I’m currently holding my own.
I just wanted those who live with eating disorders to know that it does get better. It takes time and effort, but if you genuinely want to be well again, it will happen.
I’m moved by your story, as so often by things that you write.
It does bother me a little that you judged that lady to have an eating disorder. Perhaps she does. But perhaps, like you last year, she’s taking medication for another condition and it’s affecting her weight in ways that she doesn’t like.
Anyway as you know, I’m rooting for your recovery.
The only drugs I’m aware of that could cause extreme thinness like that are illicit ones, and I know what heroin useage does to somebody, having tried and failed to save a close friend from his addiction many years ago. Her brittle hair and the condition of her skin set the alarm bells ringing more than her actual weight – because I’ve cared for someone with anorexia in the past and I know the subtle but tell-tale signs. I’ve seen those same signs on *me*.
I was only saying that her weight didn’t make me feel fat, and that I only want her to get better, as I am getting better. I wasn’t judging her at all and wouldn’t even hazard a guess if I wasn’t more than slightly aware of what I was talking about.
It’s true. After knowing you for a few years by now, I know that you’re one of the least judgemental people I know.
What that lady’s story reminds me of is the way some people say that anti-cancer treatments have made them unable to keep food down. Some of those treatments affect the hair too, don’t they? Also weight loss is a symptom of AIDS. I remember how when the AIDS epidemic hit, in the 1980s, the homophobic press said ‘gaunt’ as a euphemism for ‘probably gay’.
Yes, you’re right about the cancer treatments – my Mum was always tired and feeling sick and her hair fell out, but she didn’t lose any weight because her body began to store whatever food it managed to keep hold of. Even in children, the face and body become quite bloated from all the chemicals and steroids being thrown into the system.
This girl reminded me of myself ten years ago, and I felt so bad for her. I thought I looked fantastic back then, but I was at least as skeletal and poorly-looking as this young lady. I wished I could give her a hug, but that would mean that she knew I’d noticed something that she may still be trying to deny to herself.
If she *does* suffer from an eating disorder, I truly hope that she faces it and gets help before she reaches the stages of starvation, physical agony and vomitting bile that I went through. I’d not wish it on anybody.
You’re doing really well. *hugs*
Thank you
It really sounds like you’re on the way to recovery. I’m so happy for you and proud of you.
Thank you! I know you understand exactly what I’m going through, so your support means a lot
You’re welcome. I’m glad we can be here for each other in this.
Likewise
<3
I linked your blog on my blog. I hope you don’t mind.
I don’t mind at all – the more publicity we can get for showing that eating disorders can be RECOVERED FROM the better! There are a lot of very frightened, depressed and isolated people out there who want to get better and don’t always know where to turn x
Awesome. I agree. I once had someone comment on one of my posts talking about how inspiring my recovery was to them and how they felt encouraged that it can get better from reading my posts. It’s what I started my blog for so I’m glad it helped at least one person.
You’re absolutely right. to my mind the internet is one of the best inventions *ever*, because it gets like-minded people together and there are some marvellous support groups online for people who are unable to find/access a local group for whatever reason.
This is why I chose to turn my experiences with autism and epilepsy to my advantage and use them as tools to educate and support others. Same with the ED – there are some truly frightening blogs, sites and communities out there PROMOTING Ana/Mia and somebody somewhere needed to start doing something to help instead of hinder.
Definitely, Mrs T. I was cruising Pinterest earlier (the everything portal) and I had to report no less than three pro-ED images (they don’t allow that sort of thing, actually) in less than a hour. I was disgusted. A couple of my male friends in FB seem to have eating disorders of some sort and they say “thinspo” stuff a lot. It bothers me so I hide the posts and mark them as offensive. It does make me feel better that that sort of thing isn’t allowed in my little corner of the internet.